Identity Shift

Who I am changes
     beyond my control
Neurons fire
     in new pathways
Around old traumas
                      new pains
Around my fear
               of not being
Enough for my family
                             my faith
                                    my friends
My mind in its healing
     moves in new ways and 
          stops me from taking
               familiar paths
Drawing me away from
     things which brought me comfort
Instead I am forced to
     stop and listen
I act from new, unfamiliar paths
     and try to fight the
          paralyzing fear and
               often fail


Bottom of the Well

As I reach new plateaus in my climb out of the trauma and depression of the last two years I have started processing the experience through poetry. I am no longer in the state described in this poem, but I know many of you would like to understand the space I have spent time in. I also hope that you who are, or have been, sojourners in the dark lands of depression find some language that speaks to your experience here. 

The light goes out.

The candle dims and darkens,

the last of the wax is burned away.

The darkness closes in.

I can see nothing,

I can do nothing,

I exist in nothing.

The nothing whispers.

It says “This is all there is,

everything else is illusion.

Nothingness is truth.” 

It takes everything I have left,

it hides me from everything,

 including me,

including truth.

The darkness is more than I can handle.

I give up.

I gave up.

I didn’t want to!

Part of me was screaming.

Part of me knew the dark whispers were lies.

But I had no fuel.

I had no light left,

no energy, no spark.

I wasn’t in the pit,

I was the pit.

A black hole of need,

craving the light, but

too dense, too compressed,

turned absolutely inward.

Unable to seek what wasn’t in me

at the bottom of the gravity well.

Gilbert George 2018 all rights reserved

I See You

To my wife and the wonderful women in my life who have been friends, mentors, colleagues, pastors, and teachers.

I See You

You are.

That is where I must start.

Too often you are overlooked, ignored, taken for granted, passed over,

unheard, unseen, discounted, and dismissed.

Too often you are defined not by your being,

but by your physicality, surface traits, and usability.

Too often you are treated as property,

as secondary to, as an adjunct, as second class citizens, as a receptacle.

I see you.

A glorious bearer of the divine image.

Not only worthy of love but worthy of respect.

I see the pain repeatedly inflicted upon you.

I see the small traumas that groom you for big traumas.

I see the normalization of disrespect.

I see the efforts to extinguish the divine light within you.

I see you shine

brighter than the lies of those who fear your light

and blame you for the darkness in others.

I see you rise

again and again and again.

I see your strength and courage.

Your anger and rage

Your fire.

I see you

I hear you

I believe you


Long Term Effects of Trauma and Depression

It has been a while since I last posted, because depression, insomnia, and nightmares don’t really assist the creative process. Thankfully, I have some good therapists on my side who have helped me begin the slog through the PTSD that has come as a result of my head trauma and past traumas. One of the big difficulties that I have been dealing with as my brain heals is that things I had successfully suppressed have come bubbling back to the surface.  The most significant traumas, not including the aftermath of my accident, are the murder I witnessed at age 12 and having my house set on fire in the middle of the night because of a contract put on our family when I was 13.  These hard memories have come back with none of the filters I had successfully used to emotionally distance myself from them.

My times of silence are mostly marked by my desire for distraction from what pops into my head when all activity calms. I have tried attending meeting for worship, but the silence was a deep struggle as I wrestle with my reawakened demons of the past. It has been nearly impossible to enter the silence without the past traumas filling my mind, but now I feel ready to begin again and seek the quiet center. I desperately want to hear the inward voice which calls me to live into my humanity as a bearer of the divine image and to bask in the awareness of divine love. My healing process led me away from participation in worship after the manner of Friends for a time, but as my healing progresses I am finding more of that much needed emotional energy to enter the deep soul silences.  My healing journey may last the rest of my life, but now I feel able to take the next step and pick up my calling again.

One of the ways I process emotions is through poetry and song, and I have started writing poetry about my traumas. At the end of this post is my latest which. This poem, describing the memory of a murder as it comes to me most nights in my dreams, helped me recognize the essential loss for me in this event. What follows contains imagery that could be disturbing to you and could trigger traumas related to gun violence.

Reality Fueled Nightmare

That sound,

like a backfire…but different

more metallic somehow

Out on the balcony looking down

at two men crossing

from a red van towards another with beige stripes

both pull away

a figure… laying,

weakly trying to move.

I run down the stairs

The door opens and I begin to cross towards.

A carmine pool spreads from him

and Denny waves me back. Tells me to go inside.

Stunned, I go inside,

back to the balcony

where I shake and cry and watch.

I see the blood, the dirt, the ambulance, and police.

The dirt where his body lay

absorbs the blood

and with it, a piece of me

my illusion of safety, gone

never to return

in an instant of forced maturity.


An Open Letter to the NWYM

September 3, 2017

Dear Friends and Elders of Northwest Yearly Meeting,

It is with a heavy heart and deep concern that I write this letter. Due to my accident I have been unable to engage in much of the business of the YM the last couple of years. This has turned out to be a blessing and a source of sadness. As I look at the events of the last few years I see an influence at work among us that has led to the exact outcome we are witnessing. The influence is the scourge of instant gratification, discipling us in impatience. From the earliest times, the church worked with diligence to live differently than the impatient empire surrounding them, and that patience is what compelled so many around them to join their ranks. That same reemphasis on patience gave the earliest Friends power and life in the Spirit and was equally compelling. The damage among Friends leading to splits has always been heralded by a lack of patience and an unwillingness to cast ourselves in the mold of the long-suffering Jesus.

This is the true danger that I see at work, that we have abandoned the patience that God pours out upon us with new mercies every morning. What would the processes that led to the shattering of the NWYM have looked like if we had employed the long-suffering of Jesus rather than the desire for instant change? My mother-in-law has a saying she penned, which is posted on her bathroom mirror: “We want things done in a microwave minute. God uses a crock-pot.” It is my experience in my listening to many around the YM and who have fled the YM that we have thrown others under the bus many times in our impatience, and I humbly ask that rather than continue with a split in the spirit of impatience we instead repent of our impatience and seek again the mercy found at the throne of grace. Never in the history of the church has it agreed on everything, and the greatest outcomes in our history came when we exercised patience with each other rather than executed power in order to control outcomes to our personal comfort.

Friends, the Holy Spirit has laid this conviction upon me, and I call us to set aside our human politicking and desire for control and accept instead the burden of the long-suffering servant, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who suffered in the extreme for us. That burden is to bear with one another in love, and frankly it looks a lot more like human power plays than actions of love going on right now. There is a third way, but it is hard for everyone, and that is to discipline ourselves to the patience of Jesus. If we are to mold ourselves to the pattern of Jesus who, at the last supper, served first the one who was to betray him then we must change our actions and business to match his patience. In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians we see an injunction to patience as the first key descriptor of what true Christian love is:  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” 1 Corinthians 13:4 (emphasis mine) Can we truly say that our interactions over the last few years have been characterized first by these things? If we are honest, at least with ourselves, the answer is no.

It is time for us to lay aside everything else that seems so important and repent of the sin which has so easily ensnared us, submit to the discipline of the Holy Spirit, and declare the business of centralizing power, separation, and attempts to control the beliefs of others to be rooted in the sin of impatience.

I would like to take the opportunity at hand to begin with myself, and beg forgiveness of God and the NWYM for the impatience with which I have:  acted towards, and thought of, many people in the Yearly Meeting. Friends, take some time to examine your heart in the presence of the Holy Spirit, because this sin is part of the very cultural air we breathe, and we are squandering the opportunity to be a witness to the power of the gospel which enjoins us to be patient with one another as we work out our salvation in fear and trembling.

There are many who have been greatly wounded by the lack of mercy and patience in recent years. Their cries have gone unheard in the anxious press to impose a resolution, and their patience has been the most Christ-like. Many left, not out of impatience, but from the knowledge that impatience going against the heart of God won the political battle for control. While it is too late for us to undo the results of the sin we have committed, what might God accomplish among us through our visible repentance?

With Deep Sorrow,

Gilbert L George

Recorded Pastor and Minister of NWYM

Missing Things

My concentration and ability to focus are slowly returning, and as I think and heal I have been struck by how much I was taught to despise myself. I grew up learning that I was depraved and only redeemable if God felt like it. That just by being born I was worthy of destruction. This wasn’t an overt message, no it was a very well packaged and incremental build up to what is called, in those spheres most influenced by Calvinist thought, total depravity. Total depravity meant that even the best that I did was unbearably evil to a Holy God, and that only by being chosen could I live. That God chose some to live and some to die, and that no matter what we were nothing. God didn’t love us really, he just pitied some. When I learned to hate myself, loving others was difficult, because even if I was chosen for God’s pity, those other wretches on the outside weren’t. If I wasn’t worth loving, “they” surely weren’t.

God, how screwed up is that?

As I studied and spent time in the scripture I saw a different message proclaimed. I saw a message that was truly good news. I saw that from the beginning we were created and acknowledged as very good: “God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good.” Genesis 1:31a Nowhere in the chapters that follow does God change his mind about the goodness of creation. Are there hard consequences to the way humanity has messed up? Of course, but nowhere did that change God’s love for us or the universe. What we see throughout the pages and writings to come is all the things God does to bring restoration of relationship, finally culminating in God’s own self-sacrifice to redeem and show as powerless the worst of what humans are capable of. Paul the Apostle goes further than I in saying that “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39 Wow!

I thought I did a great job of loving God and neighbor, but there was a love that was missing. When asked what the greatest commandment was Jesus said:

28One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, he asked him, “Which commandment is the first of all?” 29Jesus answered, “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; 30you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ 31The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” 32Then the scribe said to him, “You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that ‘he is one, and besides him there is no other’; 33and ‘to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength,’ and ‘to love one’s neighbor as oneself,’ —this is much more important than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” 34When Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” After that no one dared to ask him any question. Mark 12:28-34

There is a third love hidden here that is bound to the others. We must love our neighbors, yes, as we love our selves. This is where I failed for so long. I no longer beat myself up over this, but instead remind myself when those voices from my past rise up within me that Jesus came to demonstrate the love of God, that all are worth loving, even me. It is incredible that I still feel the need to add that qualifying “even”, but I am growing in the knowledge that God truly loves me exactly as I am, and that the same is true for all of creation. It is that reminder that enables me to love my enemy, even when that enemy so often is myself.

Peace With “Them”

From Pixabay, by Ksar El Kebir. Click photo for original.

From Pixabay, by Ksar El Kebir. Click photo for original.

There “They” are, walking down the street in my neighborhood. Who do “They” think “They” are? Coming into my place as if “They” belonged here, coming into my faith, my country, my neighborhood, my screen, my mind! Why can’t “They” go somewhere else, be someone else, or be more normal like me? Why do “They” persist in believing, behaving, and thinking so strangely? Why do “They” have to be so strange? Why can’t “They” just accept that “They” are wrong?

I call the above sentiments the voice of anti-shalom in my head, the voice of division and wholesale devaluing of the image of God that is borne in “the stranger.” One of the key pieces of Christian theology is that every human being bears the image of God, that there is no person that does not, in some way, reflect the divine image. In other words, when I allow myself to fear the strangeness of the stranger I miss out on the way that person can uniquely usher me into the presence of God.

So, who are “They?” Really, who are those others who we find the most difficulty in seeing the divine image? I suspect that for some of you, I am part of that “They,” or maybe you are part of my “They.” For some reason, we humans feel the need to place people into categories and define them by others we have encountered or heard about in that category. We have many names for this behavior that end in “ism”, and it has become more and more convicting to me that Jesus sees something very different when he looks at this person or group for whom I feel disdain or fear.

In 2001 I began to be convicted to practice a new spiritual discipline to start building the Shalom of God in my heart. This discipline radically changed me and has been painful at times, but it has enabled me to obtain some of the peace that passes understanding. After the September 11th attacks the Holy Spirit began convicting me to pray for those involved. I wrote down a few names like Osama bin Laden and al-Queda and began to pray for God’s image to be visible to me in them. This earned me some very strange looks and the opportunity to practice the discipline a little closer to home, but I felt a sense of peace I hadn’t before.

The love of God began to drive out the fear of those “scary” others, and opportunities opened for friendships and relationships that weren’t thinkable to me before the Shalom of God’s love began to be welcomed into my heart. I would love to tell you that the work of Shalom is finished in my heart, but since I am still breathing there is quite a bit of work left to do. Now though, when I read, hear, or feel that command to welcome the stranger I think “The stranger the better. Let’s do this.”

I would love to invite you to practice this discipline with me and share how it impacts you.

  • Take some time to pray and ask God to help you discern and write down the name of someone or group that is strange to you or that you have a reflexive distaste for.
  • Now that you have this person or group in mind take some time to pray and ask God to reveal exactly how the divine image is revealed in that person or group.
  • Put a piece of paper or sticky note with the names or group somewhere you will see it every day, and whenever you do ask God to help you see how the divine image is present in those whose name or group identity you have written.
  • Whenever you encounter someone in that group or that person ask God to help you see that person or group through the lens of divine love.

I pray that this will be as transforming for you as it has been for me.